


Do You Think It'll Always Be Like This

by Singerme



Category: Gunsmoke
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-09 01:07:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1963203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Singerme/pseuds/Singerme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ageless question with different answers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Do You Think It’ll Always Be Like This?**

I don’t own these characters, I just like to spend time with them. No other profit to be had.

**(*(*(*(*(*M &K*)*)*)*)*)**

“Matt?” Blue eyes regarded him seriously. “Do you think it’ll always be like this?” She asked him seriously as he lay beside her catching his breath from their lovemaking.

“Do you mean…” He hesitated, not sure how to say it delicately. “I mean… like we are right now… like this?” He asked.

“Well,…” she paused. “Yes and no. I mean, yes like this physically but more than that. I mean in love like we are now. Will we always love each other like this?”

Matt rolled over in the bed and tucked a bright auburn ringlet of hair behind her 20 year old ear and bent his head towards her, softly kissing her before replying.

“I don’t know, Kitty.” He finally answered. “Right now, especially after what we just did, I… I don’t think we’ll ever change or ever want to. We’ll always be just as we are right now, alive and in love. But…”

“But what?” She frowned worriedly. “You think you’ll grow tired of me?” They’d been intimate lovers now for over two months and neither one had so much as looked at another in that time, but she wasn’t a fool. Though, she’d quit taking men to her room, she was still a saloon girl and he was still a handsome US Marshal with the whole world before him.

“No.” He answered. “I don’t think I’ll ever grow tired of you. It’s just that…”

“It’s just what?” She insisted worry turning to irritation. “What do you mean?”

Matt sat up in the bed with a deep sigh. “Kitty, I’m a lawman. You know that. You know how dangerous my job is. I could get gunned down any day.”

Kitty nodded. “Yeah, and I could get shot in the saloon or run down by a wagon crossing the street. But what does that have to do with my question? I wasn’t asking how long we’d live. I was asking if we’d be the same with each other no matter how long that is.”

“But that’s what I’m getting at, Kitty.” Matt wasn’t much a talker on the best of days and talking about feelings and emotions was most times right down impossible, but he needed to try. “Look, like I’ve told you before, with my job as it is, I couldn’t ever marry you. I couldn’t ever even claim you for fear someone would use you to get to me.”

“So?” Kitty sat up next to him, pulling the sheet up across her bare breasts. “I know that. I’ve accepted that, Matt. I’ve not asked you to change, have I?”

“No.” Matt agreed,  "And I doubt you ever would, but, honey, with things like that between us, there’s always a possibility that you'd grow tired of giving your love to a man that can’t ever publically return it. It’s not that I’d grow tired of you, but I’m afraid, you might grow tired of me.”

But instantly, Kitty shook her head and placed a deep passionate kiss on his lips, silencing his fears. “Never.” She answered, as she pulled him back down.

Several years passed and though the specific words were forgotten, Kitty had never forgotten that conversation. Daily, she worked at not only her thriving business, but her relationship with the tall man who had so taken her heart. But one day, she received a letter and that letter made her once again question.

“Matt, no one ever knew me like you do. I never let anyone. Now if there’s something I just don’t feel like talking about…”

Matt leaned over and laid a warm hand on her forearm. “I wouldn’t ask you to.” He assured her. For several moments after their conversation was over and Matt had left the saloon, Kitty sat, pondering that assurance. Once he found out about Tucker Ferrin, she had a feeling he would no longer accept her silence and that question from years ago might be answered a different way.

Several days passed and Kitty drove the wagon slowly down Front Street, young Thad sitting solemnly in the seat beside her. “Matt, I’ve got some things to tell you.” She told him waiting to see condemnation or worse in his eyes. “But not right now.”

Matt nodded and helped her out of the wagon. His warm gaze let her to know that so far nothing had changed but she knew once she told him everything, it just might.

Late that evening, with Thad stowed away under the loving care of Ma Smalley, Kitty and Matt sat in her room, untouched glasses of amber liquid sitting on the table before them. Kitty trembled and looked down after telling Matt everything about the outlaw Tucker Ferrin and how she had come to hate him.

“Matt? Do you think it’ll always be like this?” She asked timidly when, after several long moments, he hadn’t spoken.

“Like what?” He asked quietly.

Kitty looked up and met his gaze. “Like this.” She answered, valiantly trying to stifle the tears that were wanting to fall. “Us, distant from one another.”

Matt stood up and paced over to the window. What Kitty had told him, disturbed him. She had gone through so much at the hands of that bastard and yet had said nothing to him about it. In his view, she hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him.

“Matt.” Kitty’s voice wavered. “I’m sorry. I… I just… I wanted so much to tell you what he did. I wanted…” She reached over and grabbed her glass, taking a deep drink of it before continuing. “I couldn’t tell you, Matt.” Her voice was a little stronger now. “You were out of town at the time it happened and at first I wanted more than anything to just forget it. But the next day, after thinking about it, I decided I would tell you. I didn’t want to keep secrets from you. But then that trial, you were at, dragged on and…”

“So you’re saying this is my fault?” Matt turned and looked at her, anger and hurt clearly written along the strong lines of his face.

“NO!” Kitty protested. “No, Matt, never. It was… it was my fault more than anyone’s except Tucker’s. If I hadn’t…” She closed her eyes and dropped her head in shame. “I didn’t want him to…” She stopped and then after a moment tried again. “He wouldn’t stop. I tried to fight…” She wiped away a tear that had slipped past her defenses. “I was so ashamed.” She said finally, softly. “You and I were new to each other and I thought… I didn’t want you to hate me.”

Matt studied her for a moment, his anger and wounded pride forgotten as he thought of the pain and hurt she must’ve endured. Swiftly, he stepped back over to the settee and pulled her up into his arms, cradling her close, raining kisses onto her forehead. “Never.” He whispered into her hair. “Never.”

Not too much time went past before they were again, sitting side by side, contemplating their lives.

“Kitty? Do you think it’ll always be like this?” Matt asked softly, watching her intently. ‘Will you always feel so…” He stopped when she rose and stepped away from him without answering.

Wrapping her arms around herself, she went over to the window, staring out into the street, seeing nothing.

“Kitty?” Matt rose and went to stand behind her. He wanted to touch her, pull into his arms. But he didn’t. He was sure that right then, she wouldn’t welcome his touch. “Nothing… nothing physical happened between us. I promise you that. It… it wasn’t like that.”

Kitty continued in her silence, thinking of all he’d told her about Sarah Drew and his time with her. Part of her hated the woman for even thinking of taking what was hers, and yet a part of her was so grateful that she had protected Matt and literally saved his life. Still yet another part of her was wounded and hurt that Matt and Sarah had shared something so intense while she was back here in Dodge, worried about him, assuming he was on his way to Hays. Hurt even more by Matt’s confession to her that he’d felt something for Sara.

“Did you love her, Matt?” She asked quietly, holding her breath, afraid he’d answer in the affirmative.

Matt considered that question for a moment, scaring her even more, before finally, he shook his head. “No, Kitty. I didn’t love her. I cared about her in some way, but it wasn’t love. It wasn’t what I feel for you. I have never loved any woman as I love you.”

Cupping her shoulders, Matt gently turned her to face him. When she refused to raise her head, he raised it for her with a finger under her chin.” “I love you, Kitty Russell. I don’t know what else to say.”

Kitty locked eyes with him seeing the truth of his words, hidden in his blue depths. Finally, she accepted his apology and his love and relaxed her rigid stance, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. “Do me a favor?” She asked as her head rested against his chest.

“If I can.” He answered.

“Don’t attempt to take another woman to Ft. Wallace.” She said as she raised her head and looked up at him, a twinkle in her eye at last.

Matt chuckled and bent his head, capturing her lips in a kiss. “Never.”

A year passed and the two were closer than ever.  Happily they were looking forward to the Ford County Sociable, until that wire arrived.

"KItty, I'm sorry.  But I've got to go to Topeka."  Matt had told her.  He couldn't understand why this was so important to her.  Why couldn't she just go with Doc and Chester as she had to so many other functions when his job pulled him away.

Kitty understood that his job was important but she couldn't understand why he didn't get that she loved HIM.  That she wanted to be with HIM.  Not Doc and Chester.  Why couldn't he see that his escorting her to the dance spoke volumns that no words could match.  That action alone would tell the whole of Ford County that she was his and he was hers.  But either he didn't see it, or wouldn't.

A week later, with Ad Bellam laying on a slab at Percy Crump's, Matt and Kitty sat quietly at dinner in Delmonico's. 

She was grateful that he had returned in time to save her from the pyschotic man and that he seemed to understand why she had even allowed the man near her.  But she was disturbed a bit that he didn't seem to care.

"Matt?"  She asked.  Do you think it'll always be this way?"

Matt looked up from the food he'd been pushing around his plate.  "Like what?"  He asked politely but not warmly.

"LIke this."  She looked around to make sure no one was close enough to overhear their conversation.  Matt had instilled an overabundance of caution in her a long time ago.  "We're polite and all but that's about it.  Matt, I want..."

"I know what you want."  He said quietly.  "You want a man who'll show you affection and attention and not just in private.  You want a man who can take you to dances and dinner and vacations without having to back out due to his job.  You want..."

"NO!"  Though she didn't raise her voice, her tone was stern and definitely caught his attention.  "I want you.  I love you.  I've told you so many times, since we met, that I understand about your job that I'm tired of saying it.  I DO understand that you can't always be there. What I didn't understand was why you couldn't see how I felt.  Why you couldn't understand how much I wanted to be with you.  YOU.  Not Doc and Chester but you."

Matt was quiet as she spoke and it finally began to dawn on him how she must've felt, when after promising her for so long that he'd take her to the dance, he suddenly pulled out just a couple days before it and acted as though she was a spoiled child who wasn't getting her way. 

"I love you, Matt."  She whispered.  "I'll never love anyone as I love you.  But as long as you continue to see me as nothing but an inconvience where your badge is concerned, than I guess my love is not enough.  Ad Bellam was a disturbed man.  He was two different men, bad and good.  But at least the good side of him knew how to show a woman that she was important."  She grabbed her reticule prepared to leave.

Her words stung.  He knew she was right.  He'd taken her to dinner with the thought of 'forgiving' her for her lapse of judgement in taking up with Bellam, but he realized it was he that needed to apologize.  He had, after all, driven her to it.

Looking back up at her he reached out and took her hand before she could rise and leave him.  "I'm sorry, Kitty."  His voice was soft and sad and remorseful.  "You're right.  I never once gave any consideration to how you felt about this.  I... I'm sorry."

Kitty relaxed in her seat.  "We both made mistakes here, Matt."  She pointed out.  "We were both wrong.  But that's not as important as what we do from now on."

Matt shrugged.  "You're right.  But I can't promise that my job won't interfere with our plans anymore, Kitty.  I can't promise that I won't have to leave at the last minute again."

"I'm not asking you to."  She answered.  "I'm only asking you to consider my feelings when you do have to leave and don't treat me as some kid you can appease with a toy.  Please?"

Matt nodded.  "I can promise that."  He smiled for the first time that night.  "Will you promise me something?"

"What?" She asked, relieved to see his smile.

"You won't nurse any more men with head injuries unless me or Doc is with you."

"Never."  She grinned.

Four more years passed. They had settled into a comfortable loving relationship that seemed stronger as each day passed. They had endured some of the most horrible things two people could and yet each thing seemed to only make their bond stronger. People who had tried to destroy either or both of them, soon found out it was easier said than done.

But then Kitty took a trip and returned with an Indian necklace and a man named Crowley that she owed a favor to.

“Matt? Do you think it’ll always be like this? You so… ?” She stood behind him as he stared out in the streets from the jail window. “Will you…”

“Kitty…” He waved her off for a moment, trying to get his emotions and his thoughts under control before anything else was said by either of them.

“Marshal, let me tell you about that woman.” Crowley had said as the two dead men were carted over to Percy Crumps and Matt took him to jail.

“I know about that woman.” Matt had replied, confident at the moment that he did. But did he? Though technically, she hadn’t actually lied to him, she had withheld information from him that had contributed to two men’s death. The fact that those men were bank robbers and murderers, didn’t change a great deal.

And yet, he couldn’t hate her, he couldn’t even really fault her. She HAD owed Crowley her life. Matt owed Crowley.  He had been there when Matt hadn’t. Running a hand through his hair, he shook his head at all the thoughts swirling around in it.

“If…” Kitty hesitantly spoke from behind him. “If you don’t... want… to be around me, for a while, I’ll understand.”

Matt didn’t move, didn’t turn, and didn’t speak. Kitty figured she had her answer. Biting her bottom lip, she dropped her head and started for the door.

But Matt stopped her with a hand on her arm, before she could get it open. “You were only returning a favor? You didn’t have feelings for him?”

Kitty glanced down at his hand and shook her head. She now understood just a little more. “I owed him my life, Matt. Not my heart. Anyway, I couldn’t give him something I’d already given to you and you still own.”

It was the answer he’d wanted. Tugging the arm he held, he pulled her into a fierce embrace, heedless of the fact that they standing in the jail in front of the window where anybody could see them. Several seconds went by and nothing was said by either of them, as their hearts took over and began the work of mending the rift that favor had caused between them.

Finally Matt pushed her back just slightly and looked down at her. “No more favors.” He said sternly, yet with a twinkle in his eye.

Kitty grinned for the first time in days, eager to agree. “Never.”

TBC

 

 **AN:** In the episode, Miss Kitty, Season 7, there is a scene where Matt and Chester are talking about Tucker Ferrin and Chester and Matt mention that they remembered him. Chester states that he used to come into the Long Branch and thought he was a big lady's man. That comment combined with Kitty's comment that Thad's mother worked for her leads one to believe that Tucker Ferrin's interaction with Kitty was after she came to Dodge and bought into the Long Branch. That is why I have written it this way. (Of course the timing doesn't jive with Thad's age but then timing never really was the GS writer's strong suit)


	2. Chapter 2

More years went by, years filled with highs and lows. Missed birthdays and sociables were replaced with long passion filled nights that only worked to cement them together better than any party or dance ever could.

They had learned to take one day at a time and live each day to its fullest, knowing any day could be their last and they didn’t want that day to be the one they were bereft of the other half of their soul. But even that approach to life couldn’t conquer all the evils of their world. Evils like Will Mannon, Etta Stone, Manez and Tate Crocker, to name a few, had to be dealt with in a different way. But deal with them, they did. Things seemed to be going well. Until the night Matt was shot, trying to stop a holdup.

“Kitty, I know this has been harder on you than anybody.” Doc watched as she stood behind the bar, whiskey glass in hand. “But he’s going to be alright. I promise.”

“What about next time, Doc?” She asked without looking at him. “What can you promise me about that?”

Leaving Dodge and her friends, putting her beloved Long Branch up for sale, dealing with Papa Stiefer, they had all been extremely difficult for the heartsick red head. But she did it because she couldn’t stand the thought of seeing Matt, once again, lying in the street with a bullet in him. If Matt wanted to stand around and let outlaws use him as target practice, he could, but she didn’t have to watch it.

Several weeks went by and though, she knew, she’d never be as happy in Ballard as she had been in Dodge, she still had settled in, positive she’d made the right choice in leaving the only man she’d ever love. But darn it, if he didn’t just walk in the door.

“What are you doing here, Matt?” She demanded angrily as she looked up at him. Couldn’t he see that she didn’t want him there? He could get hurt there, in Ballard. Couldn’t he tell that she didn’t ever want to see him hurt again?

But Matt either couldn’t or wouldn’t see it and he persisted in trying to stop the odious old man who ruled Ballard with an iron fist, coming close to getting himself killed in the process.

But despite her promise to herself to stay away from Matt Dillon and his damn badge, she had watched him and yelled when she saw the man on the balcony rise to shoot him in the back. And despite her promise to never see him again, to protect her heart from ever having to see him hurt again, she had returned to Dodge.

And to him.

“Matt?” She asked the night she’d returned and taken him back to the Long Branch with her. “Do you think it’ll always be like this?”

Matt pulled her tightly against him, as they lay in bed spooning. “By golly, I’d sure like it if we could.” He chuckled as he inclined his head and assailed her slender neck.

Kitty turned in his arms to face him. “No, Matt.” She sighed with a little smile. “I mean like this. Together and yet sometimes so far apart in the way we look at things. I was so miserable in Ballard but I just couldn’t stand the thought of you being hurt again. When you came to my room, I understood what you were saying. I got it. You love your job and you’re proud of it and I have no wish to take that away from you. But sometimes…”

“Sometimes, I take more chances than you’re comfortable with.” He finished for her. “I know Kitty. But I have never been able to do my job any other way than how I do it. I can’t change, Kitty, no matter how much you or even I would like it.”

Kitty shook her head with a sigh. “I’m not asking you to change and I don’t want you to. I’d just like you to promise me, you’ll be a little more careful.”

Matt looked at the very real worry and love in her eyes and knew that even if he couldn’t give her a ring and his name, he could give her that. “Okay. I promise. But I need one from you.”

“Okay.” Kitty smiled. “What?”

Matt smiled and kissed her. “Don’t move back to Ballard.”

“Never.” She chuckled.

A couple more years went by and more things happened. Some good, some bad, but true to her word, Kitty remained in Dodge, near the man she loved. He, of course, continued in the job he loved and true to his promise was often a lot more careful in the performance of his duties.

But there were times that his duty required more and when the news that the Bonner brothers had been seen in Kansas reached him, he had no choice. He went after them, finding Virgil in a small town on the border of Kansas and Indian Territory. It wasn’t Jude, the oldest and worst of the two, but at least the youngest of the murdering half breeds would get what was coming to him.

The night Newly came for him, Matt had been lying on his motel bed absently looking at some official papers and thinking of not more then returning home and once again being with Kitty. But Newly’s visit brought a halt to any pleasant thoughts he had and placed a dagger in his heart at the thought of Kitty being in Jude Bonner’s hands.

Frantically, Matt raced to see the governor, practically begging, for him at least, for a stay of execution. He even swallowed all the pride he possessed to plead with Virgil Bonner to contact his brother and let him take Kitty’s place. He was willing go to his death at Bonner’s hands if it meant getting Kitty home safely.

But it wasn’t to be and when he stood beside Doc, looking down on her bruised and broken form, he wanted to scream or throw something or kill someone. But he knew nothing he did right then would make a difference or change what had been done to her. Doc said he didn’t think she wanted to live. But Matt wanted her to live and to that end he was willing to do anything, to say anything to make her want it too.

After Doc, Festus and Sam had left the room, he gently took her hand and called her name. When her beautiful yet pain filled eyes opened and she turned her head to look at him, he suddenly couldn’t say all the things he wanted to.

Dry mouthed, he couldn’t tell her of his undying love or his plans to give up the badge and marry her or his willingness to go anywhere or do anything she wanted, if she would only agree to continue fighting.

The only thing he could manage to say was that he needed her. But there was so much more behind those three words and fortunately Kitty understood. Those three words had been enough and with just a mere glance and intake of air, she acknowledged all he hadn’t said and agreed to continue fighting for him.

“Doc?” Matt asked as three days later he sat by her bedside and watched her sleep. “Do you think it’ll always be this way?” He asked gratefully watching the fall and rise of her chest.

When he’d returned after finding and almost killing Bonner, Doc had told him her condition had worsened when she’d woken to find him gone and Doc had almost lost her. She was stable now and Doc was about half sure she’d stay that way, but it had still been a close thing.

“What do mean?” He asked as he checked her pulse and carefully placed her arm back down beside her and covered her back over. “Like what?”

“Like this.” Matt answered. “One of us sitting beside the other begging the man above for their life.”

Doc took a scrub of his mustache and shook his head. “Seems to me, Kitty’s done more of that than you have.”

Matt nodded. “True. But there have been a couple of times, like when she fell off that horse years ago and hit her head or when that Bayloe shot her or the Gunter brothers had her. I was scared to death I’d lose her.”

“Now you know how she’s felt all these years and why she went to Ballard a couple of years ago.” Doc said with a tug of his ear. “It’s not too easy seeing the one you love hurt, is it?”

Matt shook his head. “No, sure isn’t.”

Just then Kitty began to moan and turned her head in his direction. Opening her eyes, she saw him sitting beside her and she tried to smile. “Ma… Matt?”

Instantly, Matt rose from his chair and seated himself next to her on the bed. “Kitty, I…” He licked his dry lips, trying to think of something to say, something that would tell her how very worried he’d been and how much he loved her and how guilty he felt about what had been done to her. The words wouldn’t come.

But Kitty didn’t need the words, she only needed him. “Pro…mise… me” She managed. “Promise… you won’t…”

“Never.” He answered.

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

A couple more years passed, years with all the same troubles and turmoil and happiness. Matt had left town again, chasing the man who’d killed Evans Vincent, and had been gone for longer than he’d ever been gone before.

Kitty was worried, and despite Doc’s assurances, she knew something was wrong. But she had no way of knowing just how wrong.

“She must’ve been some kind of woman.” Mike had said.

Matt thought about that on his ride back to Dodge. She was and she deserved better than what he had done. Of course, in his own defense, he hadn’t been himself when he was with Mike. He hadn’t been anyone other than a man named Dan.

And Dan wasn’t a man in love with Kitty Russell. Matt was and Matt knew what could happen once he told her about Arizona.

But to not tell her, to lie about it or even sidestep it, was something he knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t do. He’d always been honest with Kitty. He’d always told her everything and he would this time. He just hoped he didn’t lose her over it.

“Kitty?” Matt swallowed hard as she rose from her settee and quickly got away from him.

He’d just told her the most devastating news she’d ever heard and right then she wasn’t sure she wanted to be too close to him.

“Kitty?” He called her name again. “Do you think it’ll always be like this?”

Kitty turned and looked back around at him. “Like what? A Marshal and his mistress? Two people who had fun together for a while, until he found someone better?”

“No!” Matt got to his feet and approached her. “No, you know that’s not right. Kitty, I… I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t even know who I was at the time, or who you were. I didn’t…”

“You didn’t remember me.” She said softly. Wrapping her arms protectively around her middle, she stepped away from his outstretched hands and went to the fireplace, turning away from him.

“I understand that you’d lost your memory, Matt.” She said sadly. “I understand that you couldn’t remember your name or mine, but I guess I’m just having a hard time understanding why you couldn’t remember us.”

“Us?” He asked before it dawned on him what she had meant. He didn’t have an answer for that. He couldn’t explain to her or even himself why he couldn’t remember the love they shared. Whether he remembered her name or form, he should’ve remembered her love, shouldn’t he?

Kitty didn’t answer his question and didn’t turn to look when she heard his heavy steps crossing the room and the door closing behind him. She simply bowed her head and cried.

Weeks went by and two people never worked harder to come back together than Matt and Kitty. Each of them put a great deal of effort into overcoming the impact of his confession on their relationship. Despite the many times Matt had to again leave town, he always returned as quickly as he could and he always brought back something for Kitty.

For her part, Kitty worked hard to overcome the pain and hurt of knowing what had happened. She understood that he truly didn’t know anything of Matt Dillon, but it took a great deal of time and genuine effort for her to accept that he didn’t know anything of what they had shared. His forgetting the love that had bound them for so many years was the toughest thing to understand.

But finally, though she’d never forget it, she did forgive it and once again Matt Dillon was sharing her bed. They even managed to plan a trip to St. Louis together. Of course, as with most things in their lives, that hadn’t been easy. But finally, they were on a stage and headed for some well-deserved, long overdue time together alone without a badge or a saloon to come between them.

Then the man at the relay station handed Matt that wire.

“No, Matt. Please.” Kitty had begged, her voice breaking.

But Matt merely shrugged. “I’m sorry, Kitty, but it’s my job.”

“Oh, Matt. Don’t use that word to me. Not now.” She didn’t elaborate but he knew she meant, not now after what happened the last time your job demanded you leave me.

But in the end, her pleas had no effect and Kitty had refused to go back with him.

Matt drove back to Dodge and Kitty decided to continue on. Of course she didn’t know about the gunfighter who was about to share the stage with her or the bandits waiting to rob the stage, or the strange twist her life was about to take.

“I need some answers.” She had said when she walked into his office that night. Will Stambridge, despite his protests to the opposite, was pressing her to make a choice between him and Matt. He wanted to marry her, to give her a home, family, all the things she’d always wanted. Trouble was, she’d always wanted those things with Matt.

So there she was, practically begging him to give her a reason to hang on, asking him to fight for her, for THEM.

But the only answer she got was. “You know how I feel. But that’s a decision you’re going to have to make for yourself.”

“I know, Matt.” She’d answered but in truth, she didn’t know. That was why she’d gone to him in the first place.

But when Matt bent his head back to his paperwork, silently dismissing her, Kitty turned to the door. Pausing at the threshold, she looked back one last time. “I love you, Matt.” She said softly.

Matt didn’t reply and Kitty realized he wouldn’t. Turning, she headed back to the saloon. Later, after Matt had rescued Will from the lynch mob and Kitty'd had time to think and even pray about her situation, she came to the conclusion she couldn’t accept Will’s proposal.

Plainly and simply, she loved Matt and no matter how enticing the offer, or distant Matt was, she couldn’t leave him or walk away.

The morning Will left on the stage, Kitty and Matt walked back over to the Long Branch and went into her office to talk. The conversation was difficult at best and sometimes right down hurtful for the both of them, but finally they talked things through and came to an understanding.

They both had things to regret.

Kitty regretted her impulsive decision to take off for St. Louis, which started the whole ball rolling. She understood he had a job to do and she’d long come to grips with the fact that his job took priority of their personal plans. But in a fit of anger and hurt, she’d temporarily forgotten that.

Matt regretted not being more open with her, not telling her how angry and hurt he’d been when he saw Stambridge escorting her from place to place. He did not blame her for going with the man though. He hadn’t exactly given her any sort of hope or reassurance of a life with him. He hadn’t even so much as told her that he loved her or wanted her. He’d just expected that she knew it and things would go as they always did.

Stambridge had shaken him and it had not been a comfortable feeling knowing that he could lose her simply because he hadn’t been willing to talk to her or tell her how he felt.

“Matt?” Kitty asked late that night as she lay in his arms in her room. “Promise me something?”

“What?” He asked somewhat warily. “Promise me, that from now on you’ll talk to me? I love you, Matt. I have since the first. But I need to know how you feel.”

“I promise, Kitty.” He answered with a soft kiss. “I was a damned fool about this whole thing and I’m sorry. I won’t promise to be something I’m not, but I promise to try and do better at telling you how much I care about you.”

Kitty smiled. “I’m not asking you to be something you’re not. I’m only asking you to be the man that I love, that loves me.”

Matt kissed her again. “Deal. Now, I want you to promise me something.”

”Matt, I’ve already told you I won’t take off again like that or see anyone else or…”

“That’s not what I was going to ask.” He grinned.

“Oh?” She arched a brow. “Then what were you going to ask?”

“Promise me you won’t let me get by with saying nothing. I’m bad about doing that you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” She returned the grin. “Okay, I promise.”

“Good.” Matt told her as he gently pushed back against the mattress. “And promise you won’t take on any more lynch mobs by yourself with nothing but a shotgun.”

“Never.” She answered as she pulled him down to her.

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

Avowing to put Arizona and Mike as well as Will Stambridge behind them, Matt and Kitty did their best to move on. But then that day came when Matt was forced to shoot Ely Baines. He hadn’t wanted to and he would’ve done anything in his power to avoid it but there had been no other choice.

Intellectually, he knew that. But in his heart, he carried a great deal of grief and guilt whenever he thought about the look on Maylee’s face as he’d knelt down beside her dead husband. Despite Kitty’s pleas, Matt saddled up and rode out. He only knew one way to deal with this and he took it, leaving Kitty and Dodge behind until he could find some sort of peace in what happened.

When he finally returned, he carried with him a somewhat lighter load of grief, though the guilt remained, and a baby. The guilt he continued to carry, he kept it with him as he strode down the street to the jail. The baby he left with Kitty. A baby that the red head fell head over heels in love with and wanted to keep.

 Matt and Doc disagreed, heavily. Doc thought she had no business trying to raise a child in a saloon and that Maylee would be a better mother.

Matt didn’t necessarily agree that Maylee would be better, but he didn’t much like the idea of what would happen to the relationship that he and Kitty had worked so hard to restore should she adopt the child. He, for the most part, liked things the way they were and the baby would change that.

Kitty didn’t care what either of the men thought. She loved and wanted this child. She was quite prepared to give up her business and even, if he deemed her too much trouble with a baby in tow, Matt. But in the end she didn’t. It took more courage and more love than anyone in Dodge could ever fathom, but Kitty gave the baby to Maylee Baines, requesting only that she be allowed to visit sometimes.

The night Matt and Kitty returned to town, after delivering the infant to her new mother, they sat stiffly in Delmonico’s saying little. Kitty pushed the food around on her plate but ate very little. Matt knew she was hurting. He knew she had grown attached to Mary but in his mind she had done the only practical thing and he figured she soon get over it.

She did, but it was a long time coming.

“Kitty?” He asked, looking over at her. “Do you think it’ll always be like this?” He asked warily one evening as they sat at a table in the back of the Long Branch.

A month after Mary had left her life, Kitty was still rather distant from not only him, but Doc as well. It wasn’t that she was mad or hated them or anything of that nature. But she was hurt. She felt like they hadn’t trusted her enough, hadn’t had enough faith in her ability to not only care for the child but to raise her. The two men she depended on most let her down.

Kitty looked up from the books she’d been working on and frowned. “Huh?”

“Do you think you’ll always be mad at me?” He clarified.

“Mad at you?” She was a bit confused. “Mad at you for what?”

“For Mary.” Matt answered, looking down, afraid of seeing confirmation in her eyes.

Kitty placed her pencil down and closed her books, taking a deep breath as she did so. “I need to put these up in my office.” She rose from her seat and then looked down at him. “Want to come with me?”

Eagerly, Matt nodded, rose and followed her into the office. Thoughts of locking the door, pushing her against the wall and kissing her senseless were on his mind as he followed her in. But he saw very quickly, that wasn’t about to happen, at least not yet.

After Matt entered into her office, Kitty closed the door and stepped over to her desk, putting her books up. Without saying a word, she grabbed a glass and pulled a bottle of brandy from a cupboard and poured herself a shot, not bothering to ask Matt if he wanted any.

“Kitty…” Matt began when several moments went by and she hadn’t spoken.

“No, Matt.” She shook her head and waved a hand. “I don’t want to hear it.”

“Hear what?” He asked. “Hear that I love you. Hear that I’m sorry for putting you into the position I did with Mary. Hear that…”

“Enough, Matt.”

Her voice rose and he darted a glance at her eyes. But instead of the anger he expected, he saw only pain.

“Matt, I’m not mad at you, or Doc or anyone else. I’m hurt. You and Doc especially hurt me pretty badly over that baby and I’m sorry if I’m not acting like you think I should but I don’t know how else to act. You didn’t trust me.”

She paused and took a trembling breath before continuing. “You and Doc knew I loved that baby. You knew I was ready to give up everything to keep her. But you treated me as though I was unfit. You acted as though I wasn’t good enough to be her mother as if I wasn’t worthy to have her. I have never been so hurt in my life, Matt. Of all people, I thought you knew me. I thought you knew and trusted me to be capable enough to raise that baby. But you acted as though I was somehow not as good as Maylee Baines.”

Kitty quickly turned away from him when she realized she was about to cry. She had promised herself that she wouldn’t cry, that she would remain quiet and deal with the pain and loss of both the baby, as well as Matt and Doc’s trust, quietly. But he had asked and in his asking he’d unleashed everything she’d been trying so hard to keep inside.

Matt dropped his head, unsure of what to say. He had never meant to hurt her. He was sure Doc hadn’t either, but the evidence that they had was there, plain to see and hard to ignore. Though her back was to him, Matt could tell she was crying and he wanted to pull her into his arms and dry her tears but he doubted she be too receptive of his touch right then.

His second thought was just to leave, get away. He hated to see a woman cry, especially this woman and he seldom knew exactly what to do when it happened. But he knew if he left right then, he might lose her completely. So he stood and waited, saying nothing and making not a move.

Kitty expected him to leave. She knew how he felt about tears and emotions. They scared him. But he hadn’t left and she was grateful. She knew if he left right then, their relationship would be irreparably damaged.

When she finally turned around he was standing as he had been. A look of sadness like she’d never seen was planted on his face and she wanted more than anything to go to him and take it away. But she remained where she was. It was his move and what he did would determine what happened from then on between them.

“I’m sorry.” He said simply. “I can’t speak for Doc and you’ll need to talk to him about his actions. But for me, I never meant to hurt you and not once did I ever think you weren’t worthy of that baby or capable of taking care of her.”

He watched her as he spoke but so far she remained rigid and wary. “I was being selfish, Kitty.” He confessed. “I didn’t want to share you with a baby and I didn’t want our lives to change. I never once realized what all this was doing to you. I knew you cared about that baby and I knew you would make a good mother, but I… I…”

He stopped, not used to saying so much in one breath. “I love you.” He finally said. “And I will do anything in my power to take away the pain and hurt I caused you, if you’ll give me a chance. I’ll even ride back out and take Mary away from Maylee and support your adopting her if that’s what it will take.”

“Oh, Matt.”

Kitty’s tears returned and Matt could no longer keep his distance. In two strides he was in front of her, pulling her tightly against him. She offered no resistance. “I’m sorry, honey.” He murmured kissing her on the forehead. “I am so sorry.”

When Kitty’s tears had subsided and he was sure she was alright, he pushed her slightly back and brought her gaze up to meet his. “I meant what I said, Kitty. If you want that baby, I’ll go back out there, get her and bring her back to you. The judge hasn’t been to town yet so Maylee’s adoption of Mary isn’t official yet.”

Kitty considered that for a moment, but finally she shook her head. “No, Matt.” She told him. “Not now. I don’t want Maylee to feel what I did at losing her. Leave her where she’s at. But promise me something?”

“Anything.” Matt answered, so relieved that she’d accepted his apology and that they could repair what his blundering good intentions had damaged.

“Promise me you won’t bring me any more babies I can’t keep.” She said only half joking.

Matt pulled back to him with a smile. “Never.” He answered. “Next one’s yours forever.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

A short time passed and Kitty thought that at last she could breathe. The pain of losing Mary was still there but it dimmed a little each day and she knew that, although she’d always love that child and in a way always miss her, she would be able to get over it eventually.

Her relationship with Matt was coming back together and there too, she thought she might just be able to relax. After Mike Yardner and Will Stambridge and what happened with Mary, for a while she was beginning to feel like she was drowning. There were still occasional times where she felt more like she was floating more than swimming forward but that was okay. Her head wasn’t going under.

However, that was before the fateful morning she had headed out of the door to go over to the bank and make a deposit. The bullet missed her by a hair and as she fell back in through the batwing doors, she barely had time to take in Matt’s instantly jumping into action and rushing out to stop the bank robbery in progress.

She had a lot of time to think about that later as she helped Doc while he valiantly tried to save Matt’s arm and when she tried to comfort him after he’d found out he might not ever be able to use the arm again. And she had even more time as she faced down a gang of ruthless outlaws in order to keep Newly from being shot. And still more time as she waited patiently, praying fervently for him to return to Dodge after he’d left.

Over the years she’d perfected the art of waiting for Matt. She’d learned all the tricks of keeping herself busy during the day and working herself into such a frazzle at night so that she was too exhausted to do much more than fall into bed and sleep, though she seldom slept long.

But still, there were times, and this evening was one of them, that the waiting was almost unbearable. He’d been gone too long this time. And there was a gang of vicious bandits after him and with his gun arm injured, she was afraid the day he rode out was the last she’d ever see of him.

But then she felt him and heard his footsteps and when she turned he was there. The man she loved. The only man she would ever love.

“Hello, Kitty.” He said as he stood, arm in sling and a smile on his face.

“Oh, Matt.” She gasped as she stood stock still for a second, her eyes traveling his body, reassuring herself that he was indeed there and it wasn’t just a hopeful dream. Finally assured, she broke into a run and raced across the saloon into his embrace. “Oh, God, Matt, I missed you so much. I was so scared.”

“It’s alright, Kitty.” He told her as he held her tight with his good arm. “It’s alright. I’m home.”

Early the next morning, Matt lay stretched out in Kitty’s bed watching her sleep. She looked tired, and not just from his homecoming. He could tell she’d lost weight, as she always did when he was gone and he saw the circles under her eyes, no doubt from working too hard and not getting enough rest. He knew he was the cause of all that and he regretted it.

But he was home now and he was determined to make it up to her. How, he wasn’t sure yet. But he hoped to do so soon, before he returned to his job.

“You’re not getting up yet are you?” She asked from beside him when she awoke to finding him moving to sit up on the side of the bed. “It’s too early.”

Matt grinned. “It’s eight o’clock in the morning. It’s way past time for me to get up. But since I’m still officially on the injured list, I thought I’d go to the water closet and get cleaned up and then perhaps take a pretty lady to breakfast.”

Kitty grinned back at him. “Okay. But only if I’m the pretty lady.”

Matt bent over and kissed her. “You most definitely are.”

While Matt dressed and shaved, Kitty sat quietly watching him. She knew she needed to get up herself but she had never ceased to love watching him.

Matt noticed her scrutiny and turned to look at her. “Something wrong?”

“Un, huh.” Kitty shook her head. “I just like watching you shave. It means you’re here and I don’t have to worry about you out there getting shot at.”

Matt chuckled. “Well, not today anyway. But the bullseye will be back when I get my badge back.”

Kitty’s eyes widened in shock. “Get it back? Matt, you’re not thinking of being Marshal again, are you? Now?”

“Of course, I am, Kitty.” Matt said as though it was a simple matter and he hadn’t been seriously wounded in the arm he needed to do his job. “It’s my job.”

“NO!” Her voice rose as she got to her feet. “Matt, you can’t. Your arm is still hurt. Besides, you don’t have to. There’s another Marshal here now and with Festus and Newly to help…”

“Kitty.” Matt’s voice held a hint of an edge before he realized it and he looked down, softening his tone. “Kitty, look honey, you don’t understand.”

“Oh, yes I do, Matt Dillon.” Kitty made no effort to hide her anger. “Nearly losing your arm wasn’t enough for you. You are so much in love in that badge that you can’t wait to put it back on and maybe this time, really get killed.” The tears came just then and she couldn’t control them, running past him, she went into the water closet and slammed the door shut behind her, collapsing onto the floor in grief.

For the first time in 19 years, she could no longer accept his allegiance to that damn badge. She couldn’t take it. She had endured more than any woman should ever have to endure and she’d done it willingly because she loved him. She knew who he was and how he was but this was too much.

Before his arm was hurt, she’d always taken a sort of comfort in knowing that his lightning fast draw could make the difference between his getting killed and his making it back to her. But she didn’t even have that assurance now. As she lay there on the floor, she realized she really didn’t have anything at all when it came to Matt. He had made his choice clear, and she once again came out the loser.

On the other side of the door, Matt stood solemnly, listening to her cry. It tore him up to hear her cry. He never wanted her to be unhappy. But he honestly didn’t know what else to do. Twenty years of his life was wrapped up in being a Marshal. He didn’t know how to be anything else and he didn’t want to be anything else.

For a second, he started to knock on the door and try to go into her. But he didn’t think he’d be too welcome, unless he was willing to give in, and he wasn’t willing to do that. So, wiping his face of the remaining lather, he threw down the towel, finished dressing, grabbed his gunbelt and hat and left, closing the door behind him.

“Doc?” Kitty asked later that day as they sat in his office drinking coffee. “Do you think it’ll always be this way? I mean you’ve known him longer than I have.”

Doc shrugged. “Yeah, I have. But you know him better. What do you think?”

Kitty dropped her head with a sad nod. ‘Yeah.” She sighed. “He’s never going to give up that badge. He’s not going to quit until he’s dead.” She wiped away an unbidden tear, knowing it would do no good to cry.

“Well,” Doc took a swipe of his mustache. “That or he’s in too bad a shape to continue.”

Kitty shook her head. “He’d never admit that. Even now, knowing he can’t use his right arm like he used to, he still plans on pinning that piece of tin right back on his chest. It’s like placing a target over his heart.”

Doc had no answers for that. Silently he agreed with her. “What are you going to do, Kitty?” He asked finally.

“I don’t know, Doc.” She said sadly as she placed her mug on the desk and stood. “I just don’t know.”

But a few weeks later she did know. Matt had regained his badge and was once again performing the duties of a US Marshal, even though his arm hadn’t completely come back. He insisted he was fine and the few times she tried again to talk to him about it, he would either change the subject or leave.

Kitty could take no more. Finally on a cold and blustery day, she made her solitary way down to the train depot and boarded a train for New Orleans. The only one who knew she was leaving was Doc. She had talked to him the night before.

“Kitty,” his voice was sad and deeply troubled. “Will you ever come back?”

Kitty shook her head, valiantly staving off the tears that threatened. “No, Doc.” She answered. “Never.”

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**(AN: The rest of the story from here on is totally non-canon, so if you don’t care for that, please stop right here.)**

Kitty awoke with a pounding noise on her front door. She took a quick glance out the window across from her and could see it was still dark. Lighting the lamp beside her bed, she looked at the ornate clock on the mantle of her fireplace at the end of the bed. Four am.

She’d been back in New Orleans for a little over a year now.  Though she had renewed some old acquaintances and made some new ones, she didn’t know anyone who would come to her home this time of morning except…

Heart pounding, she got up quickly, grabbed her robe and hastily put it on. Stopping only for a few brief moments to check the basket beside her bed, she practically ran to the front door and threw it open.

“Hello, Kitty.” He smiled uncertainly at her. He wasn’t sure he’d be welcome, but he had to at least try.

“Matt?” She was stunned to see him there.

“Uh, mind if I come in?” He asked, dropping his eyes to the hat he held in his hands.

As if suddenly coming back to herself, she nodded and stepped back, allowing him entry. “The front room is in through there.” She pointed to a door on his right. “Go on in. I need to check on something and I’ll be right back.”

Matt nodded and watched her until she disappeared up the central steps of the spacious home he was now standing in, before walking into the room, she’d pointed out.

Matt noted the tasteful decorations and generous size of the room. He could definitely see Kitty’s hand in it. In the center of the far wall, was a large ceramic tiled fireplace. By the clean looks of it, it wasn’t used much. She must not spend much time in this room, he supposed.

Taking off his jacket, Matt had just draped it across the back of a large wing chair when he heard something that sounded like a baby crying. “You’re tired, Dillon.” He muttered to himself with a shake of his head. He'd been traveling for several days to get there and find her.  But as he started to sit down, he heard the noise again.

Curiosity got the better of him and he decided to investigate. Taking the stairs, he followed the sound to a room at the end of the hall. The same room, Kitty had gone into. Knowing he had no right, Matt couldn’t help himself as he pushed the door open and looked inside.

Kitty was sitting on the side of the bed, one infant latched on tightly to her left breast, another one cradled in her right arm. Kitty looked up startled when the door swung open and self-consciously, she pulled her robe across to hide her naked breast.

“You’re not the Marshal here.” She gave him an irritated glare. “You don’t have the right to just barge in to any place you want.”

Matt said nothing for a moment as he studied the babies she held. Finally his eyes flickered up to hers. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Kitty looked down at her children and considered her words carefully before she answered. Finally she met his gaze again. “You made your choice, Matt. I made mine. You wanted that badge and that job more than you wanted me or anything else. I couldn’t win against it by myself. And I sure wasn’t going to try and trap you with a child, or in this case, two children you didn’t want. I didn’t want them to have to compete with that piece of tin for your attention like I did.”

“So you just left?” He queried; a note of anger in his voice. “You just picked up and left and never bothered to tell me that I was going to be a father?”

“I didn’t know; when I left.” She answered. “I didn’t find out till I got here.” 

“You still could’ve told me.” He pointed out. “You could have wired me or sent me a letter or just come home and told me.”

“What would you have done, if I had?” She asked, her eyes twin pools of blue ice.

“I would’ve done what was right by you.” He told her. “We would’ve gotten married and…”

“What was _right?_ ” She repeated, the anger replaced by sadness. “You would’ve married me if I was pregnant but not otherwise.”

Matt didn’t answer as her logic sank in.

“I didn’t want you to marry me out of obligation, Matt. I’ve never wanted to deprive you of what you loved most. But I always hoped that maybe one day, I would be what you loved most. When I realized I was pregnant, I knew you’d marry me if I told you. But you wouldn’t do it any other way. I couldn’t live like that. I couldn’t stand the thought of being married to a man who was only there out of obligation. I wanted a man who loved me for me, not just for the children I bore him.”

As she spoke her anger rose again followed by the tears she thought she’d never shed again. But she couldn’t back down. She couldn’t give in.  By his actions, he had chosen this course in their lives. She had to see it through. She couldn’t go back to the way it was. Because it would never be the way it was again. Not now, not with two children in the mix.

Matt stood numbly, saying nothing. It seemed to him that quite often, when it came to Kitty, he found himself unable to speak, to express himself as he truly wanted to. This time was no exception. How could he tell her what he, himself, didn’t completely and fully understand?

Kitty realized he wasn’t going to answer and right then she was too weary and too angry to care. Besides, right then, her other child wanted to be fed as his brother was.

“Matt, please.” She looked up pleadingly at him. “Go downstairs. There’s a spare room in the back. Go down there and get some rest. I have these two to take care of and then in a little bit I have to start getting ready for work. Besides, I don’t really want to talk anymore right now. Surely this can wait until later.”

Without a word, Matt turned and made his way back downstairs. But instead of going to the room she had mentioned, he grabbed his jacket and left, closing the door tightly behind him.

Kitty heard the door close and knew he’d left the house. That grieved her.   It wasn’t how she had wanted it. But there was nothing she could do right then. Besides, there wasn’t much more to be said, at least not by her. It was Matt’s move now. She just prayed he would make the right one, for all of their sakes.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

A week went by, as weeks tend to do, and then another and another after that. Matt never returned to her house and Kitty was positive he never would. She didn’t know if what she had said was the sole cause of his disappearance or if the prospect of fatherhood was the deciding factor.

Either way, it didn’t matter. He was gone and she was once again alone, raising her sons and managing the freight business she’d bought into shortly after moving there.

Her father had been lying all those years ago, when he’d come to Dodge and boasted of ownership of one. But Kitty made his lie into a truth. Shortly after arriving, she learned of a business for sale.

The Russell Freight Company’s owner, no relation to Kitty that she knew of, was way behind in his finances and he had to sell in order to get out from under his massive debt. Though she knew nothing of running of a freight company, the irony of owning such a business with her name already on it, appealed to her. Besides, the price was cheap, considering, and she did want to keep busy, so she bought it.

Of course it had been a struggle, those first few months, to turn it around and make it profitable, but just before her children were born, she did it. The last time she went over the books, before going into labor, she realized she’d not only balanced the books, but she’d made a profit to boot.

“Miss Russell?” Kitty looked up from her desk to see Eugene, her front desk clerk, at her office door.

“Yes?”

“Uhm, there’s a man out front to see you, Ma’am. I’m not sure who he is, he wouldn’t say, but he sure is a big man.”

Eugene looked impressed and Eugene was seldom impressed by anyone.

“Alright.” Kitty sighed. “I’ll be out in a minute.”  

 Eugene nodded, turned and left.

 “Probably somebody wanting to complain about the prices.” She muttered to herself as she closed up her books and made her way out front.

It wasn’t a complaining customer.

“Matt.” She said a little coldly. “Can I help you?”

Matt nodded. “Uh, can we talk somewhere?”

Kitty thought to take him back to her office but almost instantly rejected that idea. Too often they did that back in Dodge and seldom talked when they got in there. Besides, her office here was too busy.

“It’s about lunch time and I have to go home and check on the babies.” She told him. “You can come with me, if you like, and we can talk on the way.”

Matt nodded and patiently waited while she gathered her things and led him outside. “Uh, you got someone taking care of… of the boys at your house?” He finally asked; wanting so badly to call them his sons.

“Yes.” Kitty answered. “Her names Sally and she’s wonderful with them. On the days I work, she comes and stays with them and I go home two or three times a day to feed them and check on them.”

“Oh,” Matt answered. “Then you don’t work full time?”

“No.” Kitty shook her head. “The business is doing well enough that I don’t have to be there every day and a lot of the paperwork I can do from home so it works out.”

“Oh.” Matt replied again.

Kitty knew he had something to say, but she also he knew he was uncomfortable and it would take some prying on her part to get him to say it. Though she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear it, she knew she probably needed to.

“What is it, Matt?” She stopped in the middle of the path they were on and turned to face him. “You said you wanted to talk to me, so talk.”

Matt stared at her for a full minute before he could connect his thoughts with his mouth. He hadn’t been shy in Kitty’s presence for years but he was then. He knew what he told her now would determine his future and he didn’t want to mess it up. In his view, he’d already messed up so much, he couldn’t stand any more.

“I do, but not here.” He finally managed. “Please?”

Kitty studied his face. “Let’s go onto the house.” She said as she took his arm. “We can talk alone there.”

Matt nodded and clasped his hand atop hers. “Yes, Ma’am.”

Once at the house, Kitty introduced Matt to Sally before dismissing the older gray haired woman and paying her for the week, explaining she’d be home the rest of the week and wouldn’t need her services.

Once Sally was gone, Kitty directed Matt to the kitchen. “Sally usually fixes lunch for me when she’s here and she always cooks too much, so there’s probably plenty. You go on and eat, Matt, while I go take care of the twins.”

“Can I go with you instead?” Matt asked. “You know, I’ve only seen them once since I’ve been here.”

Kitty started to point out that that was his fault, but she didn’t want to fight. There’d been too much of that already. “Sure.” She answered. “Follow me.”

Doffing his hat, Matt eagerly followed her up the steps and to a room next to hers. “This is the twin’s room.” She told him as she opened the door and stepped in quietly. Both of her sons were sleeping. “They don’t spend much time in here though. Only during the day and only when they're sleeping. Otherwise they’re with me or Sally.”

Matt drank in the sight of the two cherubs lying in their cribs and his heart melted. They were a perfect combination of he and Kitty and he ached at knowing he hadn’t been there when they were born.

“They’re beautiful.” He sighed.

Kitty nodded watching the two tiny souls she loved so much for just a moment longer before tugging at Matt’s sleeve.

“Let’s go and let them sleep so we can talk.” She said quietly. “Once they’re awake, it won’t be too easy.”

Matt looked at her, silently questioning leaving them alone.

She understood. “My home office is just across the hall and we’ll leave the doors open.”

Matt nodded and followed her across the hall to a small room furnished with a wooden roll top desk and two chairs. Unlike other parts of the house it had no decoration, not even a solitary picture to mar its walls.

“I don’t drink, anymore,” she told him, “because of the babies. But I may have something downstairs if you want.”

“No. No, Kitty.” He shook his head. The desire to pull her into his arms was strong but there was too much between them just yet.

“Alright,” Kitty nodded. “Well, have a seat.”

Sitting stiffly in the hard backed chair against the wall, Matt waited until she’d seated herself at her desk before speaking. “I guess, first of all, I need to apologize.” He started. “I should have contacted you before now.

"Yeah, well," Kitty looked down. "I guess that was my fault more than yours. I haven't seen you in a year and I launched into you with both feet. I'm sorry about that, Matt. I really didn't want to fight with you. I still don't. I guess, I just let myself get carried away. What I said…"

But Matt shook his head, interrupting her. “No, Kitty. A lot of what you said was true. Not all of it, but most of it. I just never gave it a lot of thought before. But that’s all I’ve done these last three weeks. I bought a horse and just rode so I could do just that. You know there’s some wild places in Louisiana too. I found one of em and just kinda parked myself and did nothing but think about all of this.”

Kitty tried hard to snuff out the small spark of hope that suddenly sprang up in her heart. It was too late, too much water under the bridge. There was no way, after all this time and after what she’d said to him, done to him, that he’d want her, even considering the kids.

“Well,” she took a small breath. “What did you come up with?”

“Well,” Matt got to his feet. Sitting was too confining. “First of all, I want you to know that you were wrong about me loving my badge more than you. Yes, I put it first most times. But not because I loved it more but because it… it was just… Aw, hell!”

He agitatedly ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know how to explain it, Kitty. I’ve just always felt this sense of duty and obligation to my badge that unfortunately superseded everything and everyone.” He turned back and looked at her.  “That included you, I’m ashamed to admit. But I want you to know it wasn’t that I didn’t love you or loved you less. I didn’t. I mean… I did… I mean…”

Kitty hid a smile. “I think I know what you meant, Matt.”

He nodded absently. She always did.

“So…” she said when he failed to continue. “Is that all you came to tell me?”

“NO!” He said quickly and rather loudly in the small space. “No, that is not all I came to say. I just… well, it’s…” He took a deep breath. “Talking has never been easy for me, Kitty. You know that. Especially considering what I’m talking about.”

Kitty shrugged. “Okay, I give. What are you talking about? I mean exactly.”

“I want you, Kitty.” He quickly moved back over and stiffly bent down beside her. “I want to marry you. I want to try and straighten out the mess I made by ignoring your pleas and pinning that badge back on when you didn’t want me to. I want our sons to know their father and I want to know them, to be there for them. I want…” He stopped when she rose from her chair and stepped towards the small window, turning her back on him.

“Kitty?” He asked worriedly; afraid he had waited too long. He lost all of his restraint at that moment and in a single stride he was beside her, pulling her tightly into his embrace. “Please.” He pleaded. “Please.”

Kitty wanted to hug him back and tell him how much she’d missed him but she couldn’t. This was what she’d wanted for so many years and yet, she was positive he was only doing it because of the boys.

Matt held her for a moment before he gently pushed her back. “I know what you’re thinking, Kitty.” He told her. “And I’d be lying if I said the twins didn’t have anything to do with this. But it’s not just them. I love you. I have never loved any one like I love you. And I never will. Please honey. Please.”

Kitty believed him. She knew he loved her. He’d loved her back in Dodge but he had still chosen his ‘duty’ over her and her heart wasn’t ready to have that happen again. Pulling away from the only place she’d ever wanted to be, she stepped back over to the window and once again looked out.

“It’s not enough.” She said finally turning back to him. “I know you love me, Matt. I’ve always known that. And I know you want to be with your sons. I won’t deprive you of that. As a matter of fact, I was going to contact you before you showed up the first time and tell you about them. But… well… I just couldn’t think of how to tell you. Besides, like I said, I didn’t want you here out of obligation.”

She paused, watching his face closely. “I still don’t. I won’t try to keep you away from your sons and I will do everything in my power to see to it that they know you and know all about you. But I will not marry a man who won’t put me first. I deserve better, Matt. Your sons deserve better. We deserve your full attention, not just what you can spare when that damn piece of tin is done with you for the day. I’ve done that before, I won’t do it again and I won’t let my sons do it.”

Matt dropped his head. Every word had stung and hit home. “I’m through with the badge, Kitty.” He said softly as he finally looked up to meet her stormy gaze. “I quit before I came here.”

“Why?” She questioned, still not yet ready to believe it was for her.

Matt shrugged. “A couple of reasons. One, I realized it was getting harder and harder to physically do my job. I can still ride all day and I can still shoot alright. But it’s taken such a toll on my body that I can barely walk afterwards. I physically couldn’t continue.”

“I see.” She answered coldly thinking she’d been right. He hadn’t come because he wanted her more than the badge.  He came because he had no place else to go.

“Not all of it, you don’t.” He looked over at her sincerely. “I also realized I no longer loved my job. I didn’t even really like it. And the reason behind that was because you weren’t there, Kitty. When you were there, you could make the bad parts of my work go away, leaving only the good. When you left, only the bad remained.”

“I’ve been gone over a year, Matt.” She pointed out. “It took you that long to find that out?”

“No.” Matt shook his head. “It took me that long to gain the courage to admit that I wasn’t as good as I was because of me alone. You played a very important part of me being who I was and I let you go.” Once again, Matt moved to her side. “But I want you back, Kitty. More than anything in this world, I want you back. You helped to make me what I was and I was too blind to see it. But I do now and I can’t bear the thought of being without you any longer. I need you, Kitty.”

Those last four words were her undoing. “Oh, Matt.” She began to cry as she went into his arms, clinging desperately to him. “It wasn’t only you.” She managed between sobs. “I wasn’t the same without you.” She admitted. “I went through the motions and did what I had to do, but I did it for our sons, not for me. I was lost without you, Matt.”

Matt gently lifted her chin so that she would meet his gaze. “We were meant to be together, Kitty. We kind of lost our way for a while, but we’re back now, back where we should be. Together. That is if you want it.”

“I do.” She said as she tightened her hold on him.

Two months later, Kitty and Matt in their finest clothes, with most of Dodge in attendance, stood in front of a preacher and once again Kitty said. “I do.”

Doc sat, with the twins in his lap, and watched them exchange vows with pride in his heart for the two he always thought of as his children in a way. They’d finally done it. They’d finally gotten back to where they were supposed to be.

Late that night, with the twins in Ma Smalley’s protective care and the newlyweds safely ensconced in Dodge House’s best room, Doc smiled once again as he went to sleep just thinking about it.

Up in their temporary room, Kitty rolled over in bed and looked seriously at her new husband. “Matt?”

“What?” He gently ran a finger down her bare arm. After being apart so long, he was finding it hard not to constantly touch her.

“Do you think it’ll always be like this?” She asked seriously.

Matt leaned over and kissed her. “I sure hope so.” He grinned. “That is unless you get tired of me.”

Kitty returned the grin and the kiss. “Never.”

The End.


End file.
